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iPoop

Ask most people if they admire their bowel movements before flushing and they’ll cringe and go ‘ewww no!’ but my personal estimate is that 99% of those poopers are also liars! You see, even if your doo-doo isn’t big enough to get your picture in the Guinness Book of World Records, most people are vaguely aware that it’s an indicator of what’s going on inside your body, plus it’s only natural to want to have a look at what just came out of your ass.

Despite iPoop’s semi-funny name, it’s actually a somewhat serious app whose aim is to help you better understand the big pile of stink you just left on your bosses desk, I mean, in the toilet. While you definitely shouldn’t be using any iPhone app to self-diagnose health conditions, the poo-related facts this app contains are kind of interesting.

Since your body is liable to spit out any number of disgusting combinations of fecal matter, iPoop starts off by asking you to choose pooping frequency, color, and shape. Make your selections… just about every predictable color and shape is there… then tap on the “Flush” button and you’ll be presented with a corresponding set of info that will, hopefully, give you some insight as to why your turd looks the way it does.

Each poo trait has one basic summary attached to it as well as an “other potential causes” section in case you’d like to delve a little deeper into the subject.

The information is all pretty interesting and seems to makes a lot of sense but overall the range of info is pretty limited. Maybe this is on purpose? Quango Inc. is very careful to point out…

iPoop is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used to diagnose or treat any health condition. We encourage users to use iPoop as a conversation starter with their qualified medical professional of choice

…and the app will even ask you to agree to a License Agreement the first time you open it. Still, I think anyone who’s interested enough in the science of poo to buy iPoop would be ready to at least try to understand more detailed explanations of cause and effect even if they’re a little hard to digest! Yeah that pun was on purpose. Links to relevant websites that address issues like healthy eating or even just Wikipedia pages might also be a nice addition.

In the app design department, though, iPoop couldn’t get much better! I don’t comment specifically on app design very often, but the bathroom stall theme totally works for obvious reasons.

Despite being fairly lightweight, iPoop is fun and interesting and it definitely makes for some meaningful bathroom reading when the big brown man is knocking on the back door *. Showing off this app probably won’t win you any points at the dinner table, but in situations where it’s harder to gross people out it’s also a pretty funny conversation piece if you’re in the right company.

Oh yeah, and in case you missed the point with Quango’s disclaimer above, I would also like to stress that you should consult a doctor (not a phone) if your rectum is starting to turn on you! Seriously, see a doctor for real problems.

* I stole that “big brown man” line from a very long list of euphemisms for poo! And just for fun I’m going to include that list here:

1. Bake a brownie
2. Bake a loaf
3. Bake a potato
4. Bake a russet
5. Barbarians at the gate
6. Big brown man knocking on the back door
7. Blow Mud
8. Bomb the Bowl
9. Build a dookie castle
10. Carpet bombing
11. Choke a brownie
12. Choke a darkie
13. Chop a log
14. Commit yourself to the dumpatorium
15. Conduct a movement
16. Cook a brown carrot
17. Cook a brown kielbasa
18. Cook a butt burrito
19. Cook a meat loaf in the porcelain saucepan
20. Cook some chocolate
21. Cook some fudge
22. Cook some sausage
23. Cook up a pot of anal stew
24. Crap
25. Curl some pipe
26. Debulk
27. Defecate
28. Disembowel
29. Disemfiber
30. Do the Royal Squat
31. Doo-doo
32. Download some brownware
33. Draw mud
34. Drill for mud bunnies
35. Drop
36. Drop Loggy Log
37. Drop Smokies (when camping in the winter)
38. Drop a bomb
39. Drop a brown trout
40. Drop a deuce
41. Drop a dookie
42. Drop a load
43. Drop a log
44. Drop a stool
45. Drop anchor
46. Drop the kids off at the lake/pool
47. Drop wolf bait
48. Drop your ordinance
49. Dump
50. Dump a stump
51. Enjoy a meatball sandwich
52. Evacuate
53. Fill the peanut butter jar
54. Float a trout
55. Give birth to a Marine
56. Give birth to a packy
57. Go Fecen’
58. Go into labor
59. Grow a Tail
60. Hatch a new boss
61. Hatch a new superintendent
62. Have a shit
63. Heave a Havana
64. Hit paydirt
65. Launch a Butt Shuttle
66. Launch a torpedo
67. Lay a brick
68. Lay a cable
69. Lay a log
70. Lay some cable
71. Load the crapper
72. Log out
73. Make a core dump
74. Make a delivery
75. Make a deposit
76. Make a deposit at the porcelain bank
77. Make a doo-doo
78. Make a log entry
79. Make grunt sculpture
80. Make mud
81. Make room for lunch
82. Make some fertilizer
83. Offload some freight
84. Pack your underwear
85. Paint the bowl (especially for a really wet one)
86. Paint with the brown stuff
87. Park some bark
88. Park your breakfast
89. People who like sausages shouldn’t see how they’re made!!
90. Pinch a loaf
91. Plant some corn
92. Play at the Toilet Bowl
93. Poke the turtle’s head out
94. Poop
95. Punish the porcelain
96. Put fruit in the bowl
97. Recycle fiber
98. Release your payload
99. Ride the hoop
100. Roll a Nut Log
101. Roll a log
102. Saw off a log
103. Seek revenge for the Brown Bomber
104. Shake a brown bomber
105. Shit
106. Sink a link
107. Sink a sausage
108. Sink the Bismark
109. Sit on the bowl
110. Sit on the can
111. Sit on the throne
112. Sjvsdtta en barkbet (in Sweden)
113. Snap a log
114. Spray and wipe
115. Squat
116. Squeeze a coily
117. Squeeze a loaf
118. Squeeze one out
119. Squeeze the cheese
120. Stain the porcelain
121. Study at the Library
122. Taint the cloth
123. Take a “Schroeder” (or insert another familiar name)
124. Take a Doogie
125. Take a dump
126. Take a growler
127. Take a load off your mind
128. Take a shit
129. Take a steamer
130. Test the plumbing
131. Visit the toilet for a poo-poo
132. Void your bowels
133. Zap the porcelain





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